The choice I made, believe it or not………

The story I am about to tell is very much real for me and whether you believe or not, this is what really happened.

The night of Saturday November 3rd 2012 I had a dream that was very vivid and real to me.  I remember that I was walking along a path and ahead of me I could see her.  I knew it was her immediately.  She was walking ahead of me toward a place that looked very beautiful to me although now I cannot tell you exactly what it looked like.  I just know that it seemed very verdant green and gorgeous like an amazing garden filled with sunlight.  I wasn’t walking fast and neither was she and she never looked back at me and she never told me not to follow her.  You know how in movies they always say that if it’s not your time, your loved ones tell you not to follow them or that it’s not your time?  Well this is not what happened.  I know she knew I was following her even though there was no actual communication between us.  I got the impression that it was ok with her if I continued on with her, and even that she wanted to me to come with her.  She was leading me somewhere and I really wanted to go.  Eventually, I realized that I wasn’t getting any closer to catching up to her and it felt like we had been walking for a long time.  I made a choice to stop following her and I watched her until I couldn’t see her anymore.  I woke up on the morning of November 4th having a lot of trouble catching my breath.  As the day went on it got worse and worse until just standing up made me feel like I had run a marathon.  I went to the hospital that afternoon at the insistence of my family since I didn’t think it was anything serious and was diagnosed and began treatment for multiple pulmonary emboli that would have certainly killed me had I not gotten treatment quickly.  Looking back I realize that I made a conscious decision not to follow her and to stay here in this reality, apparently my purpose has not yet been served.  2 nights ago on Friday November 23rd I had another dream.  In this one I saw her again.  We met in a darkened room or maybe it was a hallway but there were either plum colored walls or draperies but the color plum was definitely there.  When I saw her she tearfully told me over and over again that she had been looking for me.  She said “I have been looking everywhere for you, where have you been?”  I told her that I had been looking for her as well.  We were both crying and I remember that we were lying on what I got the impression was her bed.  It was just like the old days when we would sleep next to each other in her bed when I visited her.  Lying in bed talking in the dark until we fell asleep.  Even now I can recall her scent exactly as I remembered it when she was alive.  I suddenly awoke from this dream and I was crying in reality and not just in the dream.  I haven’t cried that hard since the day I found out she was gone, gut-wrenching crying.  I didn’t want to go back to sleep because I knew if  I did I would be right back where I was and I couldn’t face that level of pain again.  She was so disappointed that I couldn’t stay there with her.  I tried to explain to her that I want nothing more than to be with her again but its just not the right time, its too soon.  I promised her I will come back and find her when it is the right time just not now.  I stayed awake for about an hour and when I went back to sleep I slept soundly the rest of the night but have cried off and on since then. 

The day I was released from the hospital the last time I found out that my mother in FL had a stroke while already in the hospital.  I actually got the call from my stepfather right when the guy showed up in my room with the wheelchair to take me out to the car.  She had been admitted the day after me on November 5th after a fall at her home and her stroke happened on the 8th.  She is now in a rehabilitation hospital working very hard to regain as much mobility as she can.  Her entire right side has been affected.  I am trying to wrap my mind around the fact that my mother and I both almost died within days of each other.  Its not until a crisis is over that you can try to make sense of what happened and that it was I am going through now.  It’s very hard for me.  I feel helpless being 800 miles from my mom and not able to travel because of my own health, I am still finding it a challenge to get one or two things a day done so travelling that far is not an option right now.  She is having a hard time communicating on the phone but I call her anyway and she usually says “just talk” and I do and I always will…….


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